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Unkle Munky Pg 36
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- This week Munky is tipping... Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - Oh fer god’s sake! ---- Lactose Intolerant... Flo from Sandringham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that retro pop loony, Ms. Kate Bush, is lactose intolerant? Unkle Munky says -''' Blimey, there certainly seems to be a lot of interest in Ms. Bush of late and no mistake! I have consulted my ‘1993 Bumper Book of all Things Loony’ and can confirm that, contrary to popular belief, Kate is definitely NOT lactose intolerant. It would appear, in fact, that she is still a Leo. ''Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) sighs - He’s fuckin’ hopeless…'' ---- Ref. Another bloody visit from the Fire officer!? ''Oi! Munky, I have just received an email informing me of yet another visit from the local ‘Fire officer’ regarding the safety of ‘Munky HQ’. Refusal often causes offense, so do not ask me to bribe Fireman Sam for a second time with sexual favours!' Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Ms. Bumton, relax. On this occasion your handy services will not be required. I have already been notified of said follow-up visit and will deal with the matter myself. And now, if you do not mind, I have testicles to rinse. ---- Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a car is travelling at 30 miles per hour to a destination that is sixty miles away, how long would the journey take? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Alan, I am unable to answer said question at the moment as I have no data regarding the inevitable number of road-works in your particular area. ---- Circum-Never-Mate... Richard from Lewisham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, both myself and my mate Barry are hoping to circumnavigate the globe next month in a lovely big balloon. With this in mind, I was wondering if you might have any tips to help us achieve our impressive goal? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Richard, tips are the last thing you need when travelling via balloon. Attempting to fix a puncture whilst hurtling towards the ground is not in keeping with the tranquil pleasures of such a peaceful pastime. With this in mind, I have no option but to uphold my right, as a professional agony munky, to retain any knowledge that I may have amassed on the aforementioned subject. Good luck! ''Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Why don’t you just admit it Munky? You know fcuk all about ballooning! ---- Further to this weeks contemporary cover star… ---- Death Mark 7 Jason from Finchley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have trawled through every single celebrity cook book that I can lay my clammy hands on, and not one of them has the recipe for suicide. What fcukin’ number do I gas myself on Munky!? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Jason, I have consulted my, ‘Peter Pan suicide reference handbook’ and can confirm that suicide via the methane route is best achieved at gas mark ‘7′. You may wish to note that igniting said appliance will not, in this instance, be necessary. A fact that my mate Barry can confirm, as he accidentally cooked the crown of his head whilst attempting his latest suicide bid. Still, it made a tasty addition to our otherwise lacklustre xmas meal. I hope this helps. P.S. You might find that the gasmask impedes your attempts. ...give me strength Donna from Chorley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently ordered a Satellite Navigation unit from an online dealer based in Surrey. Earlier today I was finally informed, via carrier pigeon, that said item had been ‘lost in the post’. Am I entitled to a refund or must I wait yet again for a parcel that may never arrive? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Donna, having suffered such a terrible service you are quite entitled to request a refund. To be quite frank, any Satellite Navigation System that cannot find its way from Surrey to Chorley is probably not worth having anyway. ---- Overpowered... Ref. Overpowering Musk ''Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently finding it quite difficult to concentrate on my duties as the fumes from your potent cologne are causing me to have minor hallucinations. Would it be okay if I stepped out for a moment to get some air?'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, you are a delicate little creature and no mistake. Of course you can step out for a moment to ‘get some air’. Far be it from me to come between a girl and her sexual fantasies. You take as long as you need. I tend to have this effect on lots of women. ''Ms. Bumton replies - Yeah, I can well believe that. I’ve witnessed no end leaving the room as you enter!'' ''P.S. The Fire Officer’s Assistant is in the lobby and is requesting to see you with reference to the recent Munky HQ safety certificate. Shall I send him up?'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' Really Ms. Bumton! Why you should automatically assume that the Fire Officer’s Assistant is of the male persuasion is, to be quite frank, beyond me! I really did expect far better from you! Call yourself a Spice Girl!? Send her up straight away and don’t hurry back. In fact Ms. Bumton, as I am such a caring munky, I insist that you take the rest of the day off. Hurry along now, I have emergency body spray to apply. ''Ms. Bumton says - Pathetic!' ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...